If you have difficulties standing up for yourself and being assertive, you’re not alone. Many clients come to me because they have a hard time prioritizing their needs and advocating for themselves. Oftentimes, this is a result of growing up in a dysfunctional family where their needs were not being met. If you have difficulties being assertive, you may have grown up with a caregiver that had difficulties managing their emotions (ex: angry outbursts or passive aggressiveness), relied on you for emotional support, or neglected your needs. As a result, you may find it difficult to stand up for yourself, express your feelings, and recognize your own worth.
When you do stand up for yourself, you may find that some friends or family members react in a not-so-positive way. They might feel uncomfortable with you expressing your feelings and prioritizing your needs because it changes the relationship dynamics. You may feel let down and frustrated because it took so much courage to be assertive, and it feels like it “didn’t work.” You may even start to question whether it was worth it or if you were being too harsh. You may be left with feelings of guilt or shame, and you may feel like you did something wrong. If you’ve experienced any of these feelings after setting a boundary, this blog post will offer ways to help you cope with your feelings, adjust your mindset, and strengthen your assertiveness while fostering healthier relationships with yourself and others.
Reflect on your boundaries.
Remind yourself why you set this boundary in the first place. Think about the situation that prompted you to set the boundary and how it made you feel. How will you feel now that this boundary is set? What difference will it make for your well-being and life?
Explore any unhelpful thoughts you may be having.
Where do you think these feelings are coming from?
What messages have you received throughout life about setting boundaries?
Did you do anything wrong?
Do you have a right to stand up for yourself?
Recognize what you are actually responsible for.
You are not responsible for how others feel or react. Setting a boundary is about taking care of yourself and making sure your needs are met. How someone else reacts or feels is their own responsibility. It is not a reflection of your actions or worth.
Practice self compassion.
Talk to yourself like you are your own best friend. What would you say to your best friend in this situation? Would you think they were being "dramatic" or "mean" by setting this boundary? Remind yourself that you deserve to have your needs respected and that your feelings are valid. You may choose to care for yourself by engaging in activities that help you feel grounded and relaxed such as a nature wwalk, journaling, or practicing mindfulness.
Seek support.
Getting support from a trusted friend can help you process these difficult feelings after setting a boundary. Your friend may provide the reassurance you need to feel confident in your decision. They may help you to recognize that your feelings matter, and you had every right to set the boundary.
"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously." Prentis Hemphill
Assertiveness is a process, not a one-time fix. People are adjusting to your new way of being, and initial pushback can be part of the adjustment process. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you shouldn’t have set the boundary. Setting boundaries is necessary for any healthy relationship, whether it is at work, friends, or family. If you have difficulties with standing up for yourself or believing that your feelings matter, you may benefit from seeking professional support. A therapist can help you to gain insight into your past, challenge any limiting beliefs that may be holding you back, increase your self esteem, and develop assertiveness skills. As a therapist in Gainesville, FL, I specialize in supporting anxious, self-critical teens and adults who want to better understand themselves to live more present, fulfilling lives. (Click here to learn more about me!)
Remember, you are allowed to set boundaries, and your feelings and needs matter.
Written by Sasha Larson, LMHC